happy birthday, momma!

it's my momma's birthday today!!!! happy birthday, momma! i only hope one day i can be as patient, intelligent, kind, and strong as you always have been.  thank you for being a wonderful example and an even better mother.  can't wait for our girl's day!!!

a day at the races....

we spent most of our saturday afternoon at the races.  we couldn't have ordered a more beautiful day-  sunny with a slight breeze that was just cold enough to give you goosebumps, but not cold enough to dissuade you from alcohol consumption (;

(but, really, is it ever cold enough for that?)

i spoke with three of the racers that day.  of course, i stood in line to see carl renezeder.  he's my absolute favorite racer AND he had just won the pro 4 class, so i got to high five him and everything.  (can i humbly brag that when i mentioned my name and that i met him back at glen helen he said he remembered me? total fangirl moment, for sure...)

right after carl drove by to high five me (and not the other 400 fans lined up)

should i touch the truck? can i touch the truck? i'm touching the truck.. holy crap, i'm touching the truck...

anyway, i had a blast.  in the stands, a mother and her daughter sat in front of us.  the daughter happened to have been racing earlier, and someone i was cheering for-  women are a rarity in these kinds of sports, as you'd likely expect.  it was fun hearing about racing from a mother's prospective... i'd be lying if i said i wouldn't be happy traveling across the country while my future child races around the dirt in trucks made of steel... seriously, i could live that life... (almost every time we come back from the races, i have this discussion with justin... be a mechanic for a race truck! let's start our own team! how much money do you think it'd take to buy a buggy?)

overall, it was a wonderful afternoon spent in southern california,

doing typical southern california things (racing, drinking, spectating).

we're going back in july and october, when the races come back in town...

maybe by then i'll have a renezeder shirt?

happy friday, friends... here's my mug (:

the above picture was taken last year on my husband's birthday.  we were at a local state park fishing dying in the late summer heat- if you live in southern california, you know exactly what i am talking about...blech.

anyway...

we were walking around desperately looking for shade in vain when i spotted these fire pitter ash holders? it practically beckoned me, calling me over to take a picture because indeed, i AM a hot Ash... and i'm the only one that belonged there (; also, this photo includes some staples that are very "me": rainbow flipflops, water bottle, baseball tee, those damn shorts i always wear, and a sarcastic ass smirk....

hehe so that was fun! now, what are your plans for this weekend? we are going to see our favorite truck races, the farmer's market, aaaaaand.... dun dun duuuuun..... working around the ranch (; this week's links are rather awesome, if i do say so myself (they include probably the only "angelina jolie is NOT awesome" articles you'll read.. and yes, there are two- do read them, please. because you deserve to make educated decisions about your health and, unfortunately, holistic forms of therapy and prevention are often overlooked or never mentioned at all..). i hope you enjoy the links and your weekend!


8 books on health that every woman should read

12 must have items in my plant-based pantry

ever wonder how cereals are made?

10 signs you have WAY too much cortisol (headaches, anyone?)

7 ingredients to avoid when grocery shopping

the disease fighting benefits of fruit

17 things you can do TODAY that will make you proud in one year (:

65 books you should read in your 20's (better start cracking on this list!)

can love grow after 20 years of marriage? (spoiler alert: yes!)

and, finally, was angelina jolie medically hexed when she chopped off her boobs? a must read.. this article is also good!

the dream i'm working on

inspired by sarah's post, i thought id write about my own little dream that i'm working on (:

honestly, i don't exactly have a clear picture, but there are some obvious things glaring out at me, such as:

- having a loving family
- enjoying my health
- lots of outdoor time
- a home by the beach
- a career helping others on their journey toward health
- adventures

this is so vague, i know- i mean, doesn't everyone want this stuff? but there are other, more personal goals involved as well.  for example:

- have WAY more control over my temper
- actually love my body
- and hell, why not love myself, too?
- be nice to everyone, especially when they are being not so nice to me
- start everyday with meditation/yoga

so, yeah... i've created a little board on pinterest to help remind me where i want to be ten years from now- even five years from now... although, the more immediate goals should probably have their own boards.... because five years from now doesn't necessarily have a baby in the picture, but ten most certainly does (;

what about you?

where do you see yourself in five years? ten?

10 things that make me really happy

first up, i want to thank you all for your kind words yesterday.  this blogging community certainly has a way of uplifting you when you need it most, am i right? and i found it wonderful that a few of you could relate- maybe not exactly "wonderful", no, but i feel less like a crazy person, less alone, less like an island... so thank you for that (:

switching gears ENTIRELY, i have for you today a summer happy list (:  after yesterday, i probably painted myself as a total debbie downer (and i'm sure if you ask Justin, he can recall several occasions where i was just that), but you must know there are so many things that make me happy i couldnt contain it down to ten- hence this summer happy list.... here we go!

1. the smell of sunscreen
2. long days that seem to never want to end
3.  camping

4.  california's central coast
5. iced green tea or iced fruit infused water
6. quoting silly movies, like Zoolander & Anchorman & The Sweetest Thing

7. impromptu summer thunderstorms & the smell of the rain
8. cold, cold showers
9. nakedness (;  (in all fairness, we have no central AC and the temps out here can reach well above 110- nakedness sometimes is the only reprieve...)

10. paddleboarding with my husband (replace paddleboarding with any number of these: bike riding, beaching, hiking, gardening, walking, running, kayaking, snuggling, naked snuggling, cooking, bbq-ing, swimming, golfing.... you get the point:  activities. i like activities with my husband.)

i apologize...

my apology is to anyone i ever met with, engaged with, had a conversation with, or just looked at since the age of 14...

i am sorry.

i am sorry i was such a rude, spiteful bitch.

i am sorry i was not dealing with my own emotional issues/demons from my parents divorce and that it affected nearly every relationship i've had since then.  when you are dealing with personal demons, it's much easier to just let them keep ringing your doorbell instead of actually opening the door and inviting them in to talk about it...

i am sorry i was a bad friend- that i couldn't be there for you when you needed me most.  (i've been working on this one recently...)

i am sorry i was mean. i am sorry my words and actions were hurtful.  again, it's easier to be mean, to wallow in your own pity than it is to fight through it, to deal with it, and to be the person you want to be..

i am sorry i was so selfish.  even though i wasn't really dealing with my own issues as i likely should have, i was still so selfish in my behavior- thinking my way was the right way, not empathizing to the capacity i'm capable of, putting my "romantic" relationships ahead of friendships...

to my parents, i am sorry. i am sorry i blamed you for all of this. i am sorry i put you through those hellish teenage years.  i am sorry i thought i knew better, because i so clearly didn't. i am sorry for not understanding marriage, or divorce. i am sorry i acted so much more mature that you THOUGHT i understood marriage and divorce... i'm sorry i caused hurt through this process.. (and, also, i forgive you, parents. i forgive you for the hurt i've been holding onto for so long. i forgive you for wanting to be happy at the expense of my very limited and narrow minded teenage self.  i forgive you, because i love you...)

and, finally, to myself... i am sorry self. i am sorry i ran away instead of faced my problems. i'm sorry i let it take over my entire teenage life and most of my twenties. i am sorry for growing up way too quickly. i am sorry it's taken roughly 15 years to finally move past the hurt.

i am sorry.

and i am working on all of these things... on letting go... 

on acceptance... on loving myself... 

and for that, 

i am not sorry...

i have forgiven myself for these things mentioned above,
which was so much harder than i ever thought it could be.
but, with forgiveness comes freedom from the past,
and the opportunity to create a wonderful present and future.